One of the most frustrating physical parts of chronic illness and disability for me is when my mental energy is much higher than my physical. I feel so motivated to do anything right now, especially create, but physically, all I can do is lay here in bed.
I can work with the opposite, absolute mental exhaustion but having more physical energy. To me, at least I can survive—get myself food, to the bathroom, and deal with my emotions some other time.
I’ve been on survival mode for so many years now, my mental health can’t be a concern. I don’t say this to invalidate anyone because I know I’m going to have a lot to process myself. I’ve just had to shove everything that’s happened aside to make sure I keep going.
Truthfully, I’ve dealt with with a lot of internalised ableism and anger towards people who don’t have to deal with things on the same level. It’s difficult not becoming dismissive and bitter. It’s hard remembering we are all partly products of our environments, and it’s the choices we make going forward that count.
I don’t want to let adversity turn me into the person I told myself I would never become. I have to make the conscious effort to do what’s good but difficult. Today isn’t the best day, but it was better than a couple days ago, and I’m grateful for the opportunity ahead of me. The fact that I look forward to doing something—it means I haven’t lost hope.